Gender and Identity
Client Testimonial regarding the Internal Battles of Cross-Dressing and Gender Confusion
“I have found a sense of acceptance. Hope is still a difficult word for me but I’m certainly in a much different position from where I was three years ago when I first started having regular sessions with Susie. 3 years ago I was in an extremely confused place and what made the situation more complex was that I compartmentalised; I had a very defined functional self and I had an extremely confused hidden self. So this hidden, locked-up self, had extraordinary confusions around the sense of self, identity and an almost juvenile belief in the elasticity of gender, as if I could one minute be one person and simply by a change of clothes I could completely become someone else. Three years ago my functional self was functioning but the hidden self didn’t even know where to begin. The hidden self did loads of experiments of opening up some of which included seeking professional help rather unsatisfactorily. What this hidden self needed was the opportunity and freedom to reveal itself and that wasn’t possible in the very structured environment of the NHS and private Psychotherapists. With Susie I was allowed to bring out certain parts of myself which needed to come out. That was the biggest advantage of working with Susie. I had a few sessions as Claire [the hidden “female” alter-ego] which was necessary because in my own head I needed to go through that. So the first benefit of working with Susie was that I had the opportunity to reveal parts of myself, to open up parts of myself which were locked up in layers of guilt and rejection and judgement. Until I had done that I don’t think I would have made much progress.
The second benefit was that I needed a personalised healer, I needed a very personal connection, and that connection had to be real, the sense of concern had to come from a deep place. I didn’t go to Susie because she had all the answers, she couldn’t have all the answers, I continued going to Susie because I felt that anything I was going to share she was listening, not because she was being a professional, but because she really cared. I think that’s extremely important when somebody is trying to come out of post-traumatic stress disorder because they have abandoned themselves. In my case my functioning self disliked and disowned the other part of me, my fetishy side, it refused to have anything to do with it, it had war after war and that’s a classic sign of abandonment, so that part of myself I’d abandoned. I needed somebody who would genuinely care with sincerity. When you are in this state of internal conflict the first thing you have to do is embrace the conflict, you have to allow the conflict to be there. So I needed a space and a mechanism by which I could really sit with it and embrace it. I wouldn’t say I’ve managed to achieve it fully, I think it’s a life time project, but I’ve made a good enough start. So another benefit of working with Susie is that I have found mechanisms of embracing difficult parts of myself.
One big lasting difference is the decrease in the severity of the internal battle, because I had a part of myself which I presented to the external world and there was a dirty and seedy part of myself, which is how I saw myself and it was a disease for me, I needed to rid myself of that disease. I’m not saying I don’t carry any guilt now if I’ve cross-dressed, almost all of that still exists, but the significant difference is the degree of severity of the battle. I could have died of a heart attack during one of those episodes of internal battle it was so intense, it’s a million miles from that now.
Another lasting difference is over the years Susie has used this exercise where she gets me to talk to parts of myself and that has become a regular practice for me. I now allow parts of myself to have a voice and that part of myself could be an emotion, could be fear, anxiety… It’s a practice which I’ve picked up from Susie and which I use outside therapy in my everyday living and that’s an extremely effective one in actually lowering my stress level. I’m not saying I’m all sorted, I’m nowhere near being sorted… but the intensity of the struggle which you go through is much lower when you allow the difficult part of yourself to properly explain itself. You are giving it the space to talk about itself."
Male client, with a successful professional career, anonymised
“I have found a sense of acceptance. Hope is still a difficult word for me but I’m certainly in a much different position from where I was three years ago when I first started having regular sessions with Susie. 3 years ago I was in an extremely confused place and what made the situation more complex was that I compartmentalised; I had a very defined functional self and I had an extremely confused hidden self. So this hidden, locked-up self, had extraordinary confusions around the sense of self, identity and an almost juvenile belief in the elasticity of gender, as if I could one minute be one person and simply by a change of clothes I could completely become someone else. Three years ago my functional self was functioning but the hidden self didn’t even know where to begin. The hidden self did loads of experiments of opening up some of which included seeking professional help rather unsatisfactorily. What this hidden self needed was the opportunity and freedom to reveal itself and that wasn’t possible in the very structured environment of the NHS and private Psychotherapists. With Susie I was allowed to bring out certain parts of myself which needed to come out. That was the biggest advantage of working with Susie. I had a few sessions as Claire [the hidden “female” alter-ego] which was necessary because in my own head I needed to go through that. So the first benefit of working with Susie was that I had the opportunity to reveal parts of myself, to open up parts of myself which were locked up in layers of guilt and rejection and judgement. Until I had done that I don’t think I would have made much progress.
The second benefit was that I needed a personalised healer, I needed a very personal connection, and that connection had to be real, the sense of concern had to come from a deep place. I didn’t go to Susie because she had all the answers, she couldn’t have all the answers, I continued going to Susie because I felt that anything I was going to share she was listening, not because she was being a professional, but because she really cared. I think that’s extremely important when somebody is trying to come out of post-traumatic stress disorder because they have abandoned themselves. In my case my functioning self disliked and disowned the other part of me, my fetishy side, it refused to have anything to do with it, it had war after war and that’s a classic sign of abandonment, so that part of myself I’d abandoned. I needed somebody who would genuinely care with sincerity. When you are in this state of internal conflict the first thing you have to do is embrace the conflict, you have to allow the conflict to be there. So I needed a space and a mechanism by which I could really sit with it and embrace it. I wouldn’t say I’ve managed to achieve it fully, I think it’s a life time project, but I’ve made a good enough start. So another benefit of working with Susie is that I have found mechanisms of embracing difficult parts of myself.
One big lasting difference is the decrease in the severity of the internal battle, because I had a part of myself which I presented to the external world and there was a dirty and seedy part of myself, which is how I saw myself and it was a disease for me, I needed to rid myself of that disease. I’m not saying I don’t carry any guilt now if I’ve cross-dressed, almost all of that still exists, but the significant difference is the degree of severity of the battle. I could have died of a heart attack during one of those episodes of internal battle it was so intense, it’s a million miles from that now.
Another lasting difference is over the years Susie has used this exercise where she gets me to talk to parts of myself and that has become a regular practice for me. I now allow parts of myself to have a voice and that part of myself could be an emotion, could be fear, anxiety… It’s a practice which I’ve picked up from Susie and which I use outside therapy in my everyday living and that’s an extremely effective one in actually lowering my stress level. I’m not saying I’m all sorted, I’m nowhere near being sorted… but the intensity of the struggle which you go through is much lower when you allow the difficult part of yourself to properly explain itself. You are giving it the space to talk about itself."
Male client, with a successful professional career, anonymised
